Friday, December 5, 2008

hahaha cueshe

haha fans ng cueshe

Cueshé encountered many personal problems before being moving to Manila. One believed himself to be the bastard spawn of Satan. But then, the world ended on that day, and millions of Filipino citizens wept and cried as Pinoy Big Brother Teen Edition suddenly showed live teenage sex. Their eyes bled due to the sheer horror of televised intercourse, which was amplified by the sex-ees being teenage and also being inept at sex. It took three tries to actual penetration, unfortunately, they did not notice it was in the wrong hole. How the overseers of the show managed to miss the incident was rather odd, but rumors of the people in charge that time being pedophiles have come out But I digress.

The original cover of cueshet/cuegay's debut album "Half Retarded, Half Gay"

Victims of Cueshe's Plagiarism Promiscuity

  • Silverchair
  • Simple Plan
  • Moonpools and Caterpillars
  • Sam Milby and Piolo Pascual
  • Backstreet Boys
  • Diet Ocampo
  • Hale


  • Ruben "Chupaero"/"Samuelito" Caballero - Lead vocals / Rhythm guitar
  • Jay "Jokla"/"Batchoy" (Bayot nga Choychoy) Justiniani - Handsome fatass
  • Jovan "Dingga" Mabini - Lead guitar
  • Jhunjie "Echos" Dosdos - Keyboards/ Backup vocals
  • Fritz "Bokleng" Labrado - Bass (Songwriter)
  • Smokey "Pah-Mihn-Ta" Manaloto - Drums (Songwriter)
  • Jinggoy "Syoke" Cariaga - Banana-que/taho/mais/balut vendor (self-proclaimed "band manduruger")

Former Members

  • Chai Alcordo - she-male vocals
  • Brice "Suntec" Rivera - paid screaming faggot fan
  • JM "Stormtrooper" Escucha - autistic geeky bouncer
  • Micheal Jackson


  • Half Retarded, Half Gay - Debut album as of 2005 (Sony-BMG Music Entertainment)
  • It's all about the Gayness - Next studio album 2008 (Sony-BMG Music Entertainment)


  • Brokeback Mountain 2: Let's do it in the pwet like a train, paikot tayo - Breakthrough Gay Movie of the Year 2005


  • "Stay In My Ass"
  • "Leave" [ft. Anyone in their right mind.]
  • "Sorry I'm a homo"
  • "Ulan (It's raining men)"
  • "Jay's Yellow Polka Dot Bikini"
  • "Can't Let You Go In My Pwet"
  • "Love Me Now, Hate Me Soon, I'm Gay"
  • "I Want It That Way"
  • "I Like It In The Pwet"
  • "Oh My Gawsh! If That's Where Your Banana Cue Is, Then Where's Mine?" (stayed 1000 years as Top 1)
  • "Back to Me (in my ass)"
  • "Jay's Ass Is Loose " a single by Ruben "Chupaero" Caballero
  • "Project Goatse"
  • "Iputok mo sa Pwet Ko"


TGIF - Taong Grasa International Foundation


Runs on sleazy motels

Release date(s)
After People Power 9 (which is tomorrow)

Carnapping / Begging for Food / Buttsecks

Puga Mode (Jailbreak), Carnap Mode, Palimos Mode, Akyat Bahay Mode, Presinto Mode, Kantutan Mode, Chupa Mode, Dogstyle Mode, jakol mode


Rated J for jologs!

Wordstar 3, Windows 1.0, Ms Dos, Eniac, Analytic Engine (cancelled)

Betamax, VHS, Pirated Betamax, Pirated VHS, Pirated CD, Pirated DVD (Pirated HD-DVD and Bluray coming soon)

System Requirements
Intel 8086 processor, 10KB RAM


Also Available in
Betamax and VCD

Grand Theft Auto: Philippines is the 257th installment of the interminable wish-fulfillment-revenge-fantasy-for-the-impotent Grand Theft Auto series of computer games, developed and published by Joseph Stalin, the TGIF (Taong Grasa International Foundation) and the 3DO Corporation, for Windows 1.0, MS-DOS and the ENIAC.


The jeepney. This galvanized deathmobile is perfect for picking up homies and hookers. It can cram up to 24 passengers - 18 inside, 5 hitching at the rear, and one unfortunate soul clinging for dear life on the roof.The jeepney. This galvanized deathmobile is perfect for picking up homies and hookers. It can cram up to 24 passengers - 18 inside, 5 hitching at the rear, and one unfortunate soul clinging for dear life on the roof.

As you leave the prison, you will encounter several vehicles. The common vehicle would be a bike, a tricycle, a trisikad, or the classic horse carriage - the kalesa.

You beat up the horse to control the kalesa. Should the horse piss you off, butcher it in the bloodiest manner possible. You can then either fuck its putrefying carcass (boosts secks appeal a hundredfold), or can eat the beast right away (induces bloodlust). And if you're barbaric enough, try doing these in succession (though your stats would go haywire).

Your character also has stats like the Nigga CJ. So whatever vehicle you are driving, your stats would increase on that vehicle.

There is also a "Chief's bike". It is faster than the PCG or the Dirty Sanchez. Don't forget the MRT, LRT, buses and jeepneys. Some crappy cars include Toyota Vios, Rancher and some of the "Cool" dragrace cars that trying hard pinoy metrosexual coños use. Beware of these metrosexual coños, they can infect you with AIDS because they are screaming fags behind their macho facades. It is easy to spot these metrosexual coños. You will be able to identify them by the way they dress - tiiiiiight designer shirts, popped collar, buffed up bodies, plucked eyebrows and well-manicured hands.

If you've got the balls, try hijacking the Philippine Army's Tanks and APCs. With these, you can run over anything; even MMDA enforcers!! Driving tanks also grants you immunity from carnappers and pesky street children. The catch is that these tanks are derelict, rusty, and short of fuel and ammo (what ammo?).

The Tricycle and Pedicab are also accessible as "side missions" to earn money. A good strategy is to go against one-way roads to get to the destination quickly, and going fast against blind corners. It helps.


Since you start off in a dumpsite, you have to make do with what you find (i.e. broken bottles, rotwood, plastic sex toys, HIV-laced syringes, festering corpses, etc). Hey, we're not exactly "state-of-the-art" here. If it's sharp and stinky, then it's good enough to kill with. Plain and simple.

Be careful around the military because they have M-16s and the heavy machineguns. You could also control the Philippine Air Force and their State-Of-The-Art F-86 Sabre fighter/bomber and the Huey transport chopper. There is also NAIA, even it's not suited in this category.

You can reload and buy new weapons here

Some weapons of the frats, gang and sunoy inculde indian target, pillbox, sumpak, dos por dos, super lolo, used condoms, soiled underwear, plank, kwitis, bolo, and oh...the icepick and the never-ending paddle.

Gangs/Criminal Organizations

There are many gangs in the Philippines. Here are some of them.

  • Kanto 69: The gang you start out with.
  • GO (Genuine Opposition): The rival gang of Team Unity and also Kanto 69's brother gang.
  • Metro Manila Desecration Authority (MMDA, Blue Locusts): A group of homosexuals who destroy Metro Manila by destroying roads and landmarks, spray-painting the streets pink and not cleaning urinals. Members can be identified by their blue clothes.
  • Chupa Street Families: Your rival gang in Payatas. They're all gay.
  • Big Jueteng Syndicate: Made up of Erap Estrada, Chavit Singson, and Atong Ang.
  • Little Jueteng Syndicate: Led by Gloria Arroyo. That's why it's called "little".
  • Idiotic Native Cocksuckers (I.N.C.): A religious/faggot/WTF?! cult/mafia made of People-turned-Zombies consisting of more than your pubic hair by a certain "minister". Say your prayers if you get to their bad side.
  • Akyat Bahay: Good at scaling heights (I mean rooftops).
  • Pedicab Drivers: Good at kindnapping.
  • Abu Sayyaf: Kidnap-for-ransom terrorist organization somewhere in the south.
  • AFP: The miltary is split into different groups. Some are good, others are just plain cocksuckers.
  • Team Unity: Corrupt,crazy,unstopable. The leader: Prospero Pichay a.k.a "Posporo".
  • Papa-Pacquiao: A gang with boxers as it's members Leader:Manny Pacman Pacqiuao(Fuckyaw)
  • True Brown Style: A gang that knows nothing but throw their nightsoil on the sidewalks.
  • NPA ( New People's Army): Your gang when you have finally proven yourself.
  • P.E.S. (Phil. Emo Society): Squatter Emos that will annoy you with their ripoff remarks.
  • Benjo at ang batalyon pitbul: bisayan spartans. GO BORDS!!!
  • Ex-men: Native Gay spartans.

Guest Stars

  • Erap Estrada: In one of your missions, you met this guy down the road. He offers you his Jose Velarde account for a game of jueteng.
  • Mike Enriquez: He'll destroy your name on TV with destructive words on the news with his freaky accent on GMA 7.
  • Gloria Arroyo: She'll call you right away if you rescue hostages from the Abu Sayyaff, or if you win against Manny Pacquiao.
  • Bayani Fernando Don't be confused by his name. He's not a hero! He's just the homosexual leader of the homosexual MMDA Gang.
  • Commander Robot: Notorious Abu Sayyaff commander with an RPG for a penis.
  • Jose Manalo: He would help you in one of the missions to be famous like Vic Sotto.
  • Vic Sotto: Throw him out so you would become the next Bumbilya King.
  • FPJ's ghost: Even if "Da king" is dead, his soul lives forever in the hearts of the Filipinos.
  • Super Inggo: Throw him out of the window to kill him defenestra style so you would become the next Super Inggo.
  • Jinggoy Estrada: Erap's son who is more corrupt than him.
  • Boy Abunda: A transexual and a bi-polar gay guy who wants to rule ABS-CBN,and if you dont have money he will ask you("kaibigan, tara usap tau"), if you know what it means.
  • Benjo: leader of batalion pitbul. CLEAN CUT!!!
  • Recto University administrator: You will encounter him on "operation: Jose Velarde" and other sub-missions. He can remove all your wanted levels by just paying him P20. He can also fake documents for you to have a secret ending in the game! (spoiler: you'll be an OFW in the UAE, recruited by the Al-Qaeda, win the Jihad, capture the Philippines, and be it's sultan... WHAT THE FUCK?!
  • A Korean guy: has money bug. kill this guy to have infinite gold


Filipinos (or Pinoys, as they prefer to call themselves) have a pair of eyes, ears and nostrils, two arms and legs much like humans. They pout and use their lips instead of their fingers to point to things, and they can understand each other using various body languages and gestures without uttering a word. At home, a Filipino family's hospitality is renowned worldwide. They will more than happily accept over $500 worth of food and groceries, but will be extremely insulted if you offer to make even one grilled cheese sandwich.

To get a Filipino's attention, just say "Hoy!", or "Psstttt!", or "Pssst uyy!!!". If this approach fails, yell "DOG!" and they will turn around, fangs bared and eyes bulging, saying "WHERE?!"

They have an appendage called Cellfone which they use to communicate with their herd. This body part, if taken away from a Filipino, will result in paranoia. This makes it easier for biologists to identify the Filipinos in the wild, since they have their individual IMEI numbers which the scientists can track. Filipinos immediately respond to celfone messages rather than any emergency and calls you can imagine.

A group of Filipinos
Whitening cream and transexualism is very popular with Filipinos. Over half of the GDP comes from these two interests

Rules on Being a Filipino

  • Be ashamed of your heritage and language, be a clone of an American.
  • Assume that any Caucasian is an American.
  • Assume that any American is God incarnate (even if he rapes your daughter).
  • Carry a Nokia Cellphone, and use TXT msgs (never call it SMS or you will be PWNED!!! LOLZ)
  • Avoid trailer parks.
  • Beware of "evil demons".
  • Beware of dwarves.
  • Act black.
  • Elect actors and actresses into public office.
  • Believe in superstitious bullshit.
  • If you're a balikbayan from the states, never ever speak Tagalog.
  • Always climb a volcano.
  • When a typhoon hits, STAY OUTSIDE AND PLAY!!!
  • Complain to foreigners that the Philippines is the poorest country in the world and then spend all day shopping at fancy malls, drinking Starbucks coffee, and riding taxis.
  • Ditch utensils! Eat with your hands, dammit!
  • Buy a painting of The Last Supper and hang it on your dining room wall, even if you're not Christian.
  • Hang a "Weapons of Moroland" shield on your living room, even if you don't know where the fuck Moroland is.
  • Speak in Tagalog in any mall or any fully airconditioned building, no matter how small it is, to sound cool.

Where to find Filipinos

  • Love hotels
  • Under mountain hats
  • In volcanoes
  • For males: in a white girls ass
  • For females: the hospital
  • In villages with small houses
  • In the ghetto fo sho
  • Under rocks, trees, volcanos, mountains, of about
  • In church
  • In a grave
  • Under a Jesus statue
  • Anything to do with water buffalos
  • Basketball games (you know the ones that aren't black)
  • Black neighborhoods
  • Lucky Plaza Singapore
  • In the States, pretty much where the black people are in order to niggerize themselves and become gangstas and get some shiny-ass blingz. They later begin calling themselves "pi-ggers" for pilipino-niggers.

ANG PILIPINAS(wala maxadong pekture ehh) enxa na

ang ating mga export ay kahit na anong bagay na galing sa japan, us, o china

Para makatulong labanan ang kahirapan dito sa pilipinas ay tinayo ang mga organisasyong tulad ng
ABS - CBN para sa mga proyektong "Wowowee" at "Kapamilya Deal or No Deal" para magbigay sa mga pilipino ng pag asa na sa ilang minuto ay yayaman sila at para makalimutan nila na walang pagkain sa mesa nila


Ang pilipinas ay isang grupo ng mga isla na nasa Pacific Ring of Fire.. Ito ay malapit nang lumubog dahil takteng dami ng papulasyon.. (hnd pala mataas ang papulasyon nagsisiksikan lng lahat sa maynila) at sa pagboto sa mga opisyales at pag rereklamo dahil hindi nila ginagawa ang kanilang mga trabaho. ang pilipinas sa 2015 ay magiging atlantis II na dahil ito ay mapupunta na sa ilalim ng tubig..

The Philippines is also known for its vast gorgeous beaches where Beautiful Filipino Women await foreign military personell for some "sexy time." Many of them wear shirts that say "Who's your Daddy?" to entice their would-be partners

9.69 out of 10 geographers agree that the Philippine archipelago is shaped like a constipated man, particularly Michael Moore


The Philippine government can be defined as the most deviant of all government systems around the world. Getting yourself involved in the government means that you need money, guns, artillery and a bad-ass militia. The country was once run by a very good and famous queen for 20 years: Her Royal Highness Imelda Marcos and her husband-of-convenience Ferdinand. Just before the end of of the conjugal monarchy, the general population became infected with a rare strain of virus that makes its victims into mindless evangelists. They brought down the 20-year Marcos empire and brought forth a New Republic ruled by another queen who basically had the same idea as Imelda.

It was like the Star Wars Trilogy, the only difference is that Corazon Aquino had an IQ lower than that of an autistic kid - she can speak fluent French though. The masses were so disappointed because the new queen was not a Jedi and had no Lightsaber. To appease the masses, the President of the New Republic changed all the names of the roads and the airport. Her triumph was short-lived because the majority of the motorists got lost and were not able to report for work for one year, causing the stock market crash of 1986. "Damn, where the fuck is Buendia? I've been going around in circles in Gil Puyat Ave. and still can't find Buendia nigga!", said one black motorist.

The greatest aviation tragedy also happened during her reign. The planes kept circling 'til they ran out of fuel and crashed because the Manila International Airport wasn't there. "It's like the fuckin' Bermuda Triangle, bitch!", said one brutha survivor. It turned out that she changed the name of the airport to Ninoy Aquino International Airport in honor of her worthless, good-for-nothing Communist husband as soon as she sat her ass in the palace throne for the very first time.

Aside from the name change fiasco, her other accomplishments were putting her husband's sorry ass in the 500 peso bill and spawning an evil daughter who singlehandedly caused the downfall of the feminist movement by being a filthy whore, and the slow death of the Philippine Entertainment Industry. Her daughter also caused the deaths of countless professional basketball players and actors by infecting them with an unknown and illegal type of sexually transmitted disease.

After this, the masses progressed from just plain stupid to retards. After the French-speaking president with a vagina for a brain, they elected a disgruntled cigar loving ex-general with a penis size issue, an ex-actor who can't control his penis and fucked the majority of the hotties in the country, and lastly a midget.

As of the moment, the government is still in the shithole and the incumbent president is still a midget.

The primary task of the Philippine Government is the fixing of roads and highways - actually this is the only thing that the government does especially just before election. They fix roads even if they're as smooth as a baby's ass just to give the voters the impression that they do something really important. Given that all Filipino voters are stupid, they let the incumbents win in their reelection bid.

Branches of the Philippine Government

The Philippine Government has 3 branches:

  • The Entertainment/Movie Industry
  • The Media
  • The Squatters

The Entertainment/Movie Industry is run by actors and actresses. They are the ones that actually run the government and create policies while the actual politicians provide the entertainment. The only branch of the government that was not contaminated by the entertainment industry is the now defunct Judicial System. The Judicial System was the only branch of the government that actually requires you to work your ass off for 10 years in getting a degree, and most importantly it requires the use of your brain. However, Justice Hilario Davide crossed over to the dark side of the entertainment industry when he sworn in Gloria Macapagal Arroyo during the 9957th People Pawis revolution. As a result, the Judicial System was abolished. This launched him to Superstardom in the movie industry and debuted in Regal Films' blockbuster hit "Anak Gumising Ka Matutulog Na Tayo". The sequel "Halika Dito Wag Kang Lalapit" was not as successful because it was not a gay movie.

The next branch is the Media. They are powerful because of their exposes and shit. Of course they only do their exposes if the corrupt politicians involved refuse to pay them. The most powerful person in this group is Ben Tulfo - host of the TV sitcom "Eat Bulaga". However, the politicians became aware of his show and his blitzkrieg tactics in his exposes and was able to outwit him in his own game. Ben Tulfo,Danielle Mendoza being the genius that he is, devised a brilliant countermeasure by changing the name of his show to "Bitag: X-treme" - it was a huge victory for Ben Tulfo thus earning him the title of Genghis Khan.

Ben Tulfo, by the way, is the son of Mama Monchang and Rey Pumaloy. His show "Bitag" and "Bitag: X-treme" won several awards including the coveted "Best Comedy Show" in the KBP (Kiking Bagong Pakinis) Music Awards.

Lastly are the Squatters. They are a force to be reckoned with because they are dirt poor. They are so powerful that they are able to acquire lands from honest, tax-paying middle-class citizens of the country for free; and get away with it by simply invoking their right to be dirt poor. The squatters are the most protected group in the government - they are being protected by the media, politicians, and the movie industry whenever the middle class sue their ass for taking their property. They even make movies about it and portray the owner of the property as a heartless villain. In effect, they own 90% of the land in the country. They are also the highest income generating group because of drug pushing (the majority of the drug pushers are in their area) and gambling.


The history of the Philippines began when Magellan lost in a Kung fu match with Chong-Li. The owner of the United Nations of España (Dr. Phil) banished his sorry ass from his homeland. However, Dr Phil stated that Magellan can only return to his fly-ass crib if he discovered another country for him, or make him a bad-ass old school rap album. Since Magellan can't rap, he decided to find a country for da owner. Dr. Phil announced this on the Oprah show.

The United Nations of España ruled over the Philippines for 300 years. The Filipinos did not resist this because they were punkass bitches and made themselves hoes of the descendants of Dr. Phil. At the turn of the 20th Century, the Mighty Morphin' Americans conquered the Philippines. The Filipinos gladly welcomed their Big White Brothers hoping that under American rule, there would finally be snow in the Philippines and they can petition themselves to be U.S citizens. Not realizing the promise of snow and citizenship, the Filipinos were forever restless under the Americans.

It was during the rule of the United Nations of España, who also was planting seeds of wisdom in Mexico, that there was a bet. The two top leaders of the United Nations of España, Moe and Curly, wanted to see how many natives they could fuck and produce hybrids of people who really could not amount to anything. Considering the standard of living in either country, the competition ended up as a draw. Now, these people are invading other countries like Maine.

The Philippines was annexed by Japan as a Japanese province in WW2 and made this shit-ass country their bitch. The Filipino populace were being controlled by hypnotic Anime and are being used as slave laborers, nannies, and sex slaves by their Japanese masters. During this time, the Filipinos showed their courage and fought the Japanese simply because they think American products are better than Japanese ones - and they think that Americans have longer schlongs than the Japs. Unfortunately, the Japanese got bored and left the Filipinos to fend for themselves. After 50 years, this point of view changed and the blonde haired bitches of the Philippines now want to go to Japan to get a blue card and shit and become hoes for the Japs.

After the Japanese occupation, The Philippines was once again the ruler of the United States.

In the 60s, the excessive use of LSD and Marijuanna led the high society of the Philippines to elect a delusional man named Marcos and his wife, a "former" beauty queen named Imelda, into power. Big mistake! The couple stole all of Yamashita's gold and bought a gazillion pair of shoes. Later, in 1986, Filipinos came out of their crack induced high and sobered out their asses. They realized that the Marcoses had bled their pot money dry and they were out of munchies. The Filipinos were pissed, so they exiled the Marcoses to a much better place, a paradise country named Hawwai

In the 1998 presidential elections, a movie star with no political experience won the presidency. He once starred in countless action films. Did I mention he had no political experience and was a movie star? Thankfully he got screwed by the "dwarf."

Recently, a brave Australian named Brian Gorrel exposed those buttfuck cokesnorting coños in our society. Due to the recent events that has fucked up the high society, the Philippines will enter a state of collapse, which will end on June 30, 2010. By that time, either an assfuck prick (A true Manila boy, not from the Western Visayas as he claims. Also, his ho "girlfriend" is a broadcast journalist) or a landgrabbing bastard who brags about hard work and persistence and shit will indefinitely ruin our country.


Mostly catholic with a mix of protestanism, wowoweeism, Eat-Bulagaism.
Eat Bulagaism was started by great philisophers Tito, Vick and Joey. Bulagaism's main rival is Wowoweeism. Recently, one of the founders of bulagaism, Joey, made an announcement against wowoweeism's prohet, Willie. But this is total bullshit because they just did this as a popularity stunt. HAHAHAHH!


National Anthem

Boom Tarat Tarat!


Smokey Mountain , Navotas

Largest City

Payatas Dumpsite Quezon City


1.5 billion, and counting
69% Gay (Fags & Butches), 18% Bisexual/Bi-Curious, 10% Korean, 2% Metrosexual , 0.75% Female, 0.25% Male


Bayad Muna Bago Baba

What independence?

National Hero
Manny Pacquiao, Raganciano Kapitapitagan Junior

National Languages

La Salle Taft Coñospeak, Salitang-kalye, Squatter, Tadbaliks, Gay Lingo Chuva Chenes

Galunggong Tuyo

Roman Catholicism,Islam,Ang dating daan, Iglesia ni Cristo, El Shaddai
, Evangelican Christianity, Pacquiaoism, Wowowee-ism

University with the Lowest IQ
Ateneo de Manila University

Official Videogame

Istarkrapt,Kawnter Strayk,Ispeysyal Pows, DOTA,Hayp Layp,

Official Boy Bands

Cueshet, Hale, Chicosci, 6 Cycle Mind

Gay Icons

Sam Milby, Piolo Pascual, Boy Abunda, Kris Aquino, Paco Arespacochaga, Rey Pumaloy, Mama Monchang

Famous Bars
Planet Cubao Jakol Club, Kantutan sa kalye KTV and bar, Bangbang-Ali, Do-Re-Mi, Lanai, Tiririt, Stealing Heaven, Air Force 1, Chicos, MACHO-POP

Best Rip-off of the Year
Captain Barbell, MariMar, Pokemon, Kokey, Hamtaro, Sailor Moon, The Singing Bee, Lobo, Dyesebel, GOBINGO


The Philippines is the nation found on the other side of the world. It's that one that isn't China, Japan or Korea.

Thursday, November 6, 2008