GRAND THET AUTO PHILIPINNES (BAGONG LARO)

Developers
TGIF - Taong Grasa International Foundation

Publishers
P.A.M.E.T

Engine
Runs on sleazy motels

Release date(s)
After People Power 9 (which is tomorrow)

Genre(s)
Carnapping / Begging for Food / Buttsecks

Mode(s)
Puga Mode (Jailbreak), Carnap Mode, Palimos Mode, Akyat Bahay Mode, Presinto Mode, Kantutan Mode, Chupa Mode, Dogstyle Mode, jakol mode

Rating(s)
Rated J for jologs!

Platform(s)
Wordstar 3, Windows 1.0, Ms Dos, Eniac, Analytic Engine (cancelled)

Media(s)
Betamax, VHS, Pirated Betamax, Pirated VHS, Pirated CD, Pirated DVD (Pirated HD-DVD and Bluray coming soon)

System Requirements
Intel 8086 processor, 10KB RAM

Input
pempem

Also Available in
Betamax and VCD

(summary)
Grand Theft Auto: Philippines is the 257th installment of the interminable wish-fulfillment-revenge-fantasy-for-the-impotent Grand Theft Auto series of computer games, developed and published by Joseph Stalin, the TGIF (Taong Grasa International Foundation) and the 3DO Corporation, for Windows 1.0, MS-DOS and the ENIAC.

Vehicles

The jeepney. This galvanized deathmobile is perfect for picking up homies and hookers. It can cram up to 24 passengers - 18 inside, 5 hitching at the rear, and one unfortunate soul clinging for dear life on the roof.

As you leave the prison, you will encounter several vehicles. The common vehicle would be a bike, a tricycle, a trisikad, or the classic horse carriage - the kalesa.

You beat up the horse to control the kalesa. Should the horse piss you off, butcher it in the bloodiest manner possible. You can then either fuck its putrefying carcass (boosts secks appeal a hundredfold), or can eat the beast right away (induces bloodlust). And if you're barbaric enough, try doing these in succession (though your stats would go haywire).

Your character also has stats like the Nigga CJ. So whatever vehicle you are driving, your stats would increase on that vehicle.

There is also a "Chief's bike". It is faster than the PCG or the Dirty Sanchez. Don't forget the MRT, LRT, buses and jeepneys. Some crappy cars include Toyota Vios, Rancher and some of the "Cool" dragrace cars that trying hard pinoy metrosexual coños use. Beware of these metrosexual coños, they can infect you with AIDS because they are screaming fags behind their macho facades. It is easy to spot these metrosexual coños. You will be able to identify them by the way they dress - tiiiiiight designer shirts, popped collar, buffed up bodies, plucked eyebrows and well-manicured hands.

If you've got the balls, try hijacking the Philippine Army's Tanks and APCs. With these, you can run over anything; even MMDA enforcers!! Driving tanks also grants you immunity from carnappers and pesky street children. The catch is that these tanks are derelict, rusty, and short of fuel and ammo (what ammo?).

The Tricycle and Pedicab are also accessible as "side missions" to earn money. A good strategy is to go against one-way roads to get to the destination quickly, and going fast against blind corners. It helps.

Weapons

Since you start off in a dumpsite, you have to make do with what you find (i.e. broken bottles, rotwood, plastic sex toys, HIV-laced syringes, festering corpses, etc). Hey, we're not exactly "state-of-the-art" here. If it's sharp and stinky, then it's good enough to kill with. Plain and simple.

Be careful around the military because they have M-16s and the heavy machineguns. You could also control the Philippine Air Force and their State-Of-The-Art F-86 Sabre fighter/bomber and the Huey transport chopper. There is also NAIA, even it's not suited in this category.

You can reload and buy new weapons here

Some weapons of the frats, gang and sunoy inculde indian target, pillbox, sumpak, dos por dos, super lolo, used condoms, soiled underwear, plank, kwitis, bolo, and oh...the icepick and the never-ending paddle.

Gangs/Criminal Organizations

There are many gangs in the Philippines. Here are some of them.

• Kanto 69: The gang you start out with.

• GO (Genuine Opposition): The rival gang of Team Unity and also Kanto 69's brother gang.

• Metro Manila Desecration Authority (MMDA, Blue Locusts): A group of homosexuals who destroy Metro Manila by destroying roads and landmarks, spray-painting the streets pink and not cleaning urinals. Members can be identified by their blue clothes.

• Chupa Street Families: Your rival gang in Payatas. They're all gay.

• Big Jueteng Syndicate: Made up of Erap Estrada, Chavit Singson, and Atong Ang.

• Little Jueteng Syndicate: Led by Gloria Arroyo. That's why it's called "little".

• Idiotic Native Cocksuckers (I.N.C.): A religious/faggot/WTF?! cult/mafia made of People-turned-Zombies consisting of more than your pubic hair by a certain "minister". Say your prayers if you get to their bad side.

• Akyat Bahay: Good at scaling heights (I mean rooftops).

• Pedicab Drivers: Good at kindnapping.

• Abu Sayyaf: Kidnap-for-ransom terrorist organization somewhere in the south.

• AFP: The miltary is split into different groups. Some are good, others are just plain cocksuckers.

• Team Unity: Corrupt,crazy,unstopable. The leader: Prospero Pichay a.k.a "Posporo".

• Papa-Pacquiao: A gang with boxers as it's members Leader:Manny Pacman Pacqiuao(Fuckyaw)

• True Brown Style: A gang that knows nothing but throw their nightsoil on the sidewalks.

• NPA ( New People's Army): Your gang when you have finally proven yourself.

• P.E.S. (Phil. Emo Society): Squatter Emos that will annoy you with their ripoff remarks.

• Benjo at ang batalyon pitbul: bisayan spartans. GO BORDS!!!

• Ex-men: Native Gay spartans.

Guest Stars

• Erap Estrada: In one of your missions, you met this guy down the road. He offers you his Jose Velarde account for a game of jueteng.

• Mike Enriquez: He'll destroy your name on TV with destructive words on the news with his freaky accent on GMA 7.

• Gloria Arroyo: She'll call you right away if you rescue hostages from the Abu Sayyaff, or if you win against Manny Pacquiao.

• Bayani Fernando Don't be confused by his name. He's not a hero! He's just the homosexual leader of the homosexual MMDA Gang.

• Commander Robot: Notorious Abu Sayyaff commander with an RPG for a penis.

• Jose Manalo: He would help you in one of the missions to be famous like Vic Sotto.

• Vic Sotto: Throw him out so you would become the next Bumbilya King.

• FPJ's ghost: Even if "Da king" is dead, his soul lives forever in the hearts of the Filipinos.

• Super Inggo: Throw him out of the window to kill him defenestra style so you would become the next Super Inggo.

• Jinggoy Estrada: Erap's son who is more corrupt than him.

• Boy Abunda: A transexual and a bi-polar gay guy who wants to rule ABS-CBN,and if you dont have money he will ask you("kaibigan, tara usap tau"), if you know what it means.

• Benjo: leader of batalion pitbul. CLEAN CUT!!!

• Recto University administrator: You will encounter him on "operation: Jose Velarde" and other sub-missions. He can remove all your wanted levels by just paying him P20. He can also fake documents for you to have a secret ending in the game! (spoiler: you'll be an OFW in the UAE, recruited by the Al-Qaeda, win the Jihad, capture the Philippines, and be it's sultan... WHAT THE FUCK?!

• A Korean guy: has money bug. kill this guy to have infinite gold